Jessica Simpson Makes Miami A little Bit Sexier

Posted By: Shawn On: August 22, 2008
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This is starting to blossom into a fantastic day. First of all, it’s Friday. To make things better, I was just thinking how hungry I was and how some breakfast would be key right now when I remember that I’m retarded and I had a bagel with cream cheese in my pocket. Yeah, that’s right, I keep breakfast in my pockets because I get drunk and forget things. I’m sort of a genius on the Rain Man level where I can do certain things really good but overall I am retarded. Who cares if you can memorize a phone book if you can’t remember to tie your shoes? Just down south of me, in a pool that should be drained so I can swim naked in the water, Jessica Simpson is looking hot. Nick ‘I’m not relevant anymore’ Lachey must hate to look and these and remember how he used to use this chick like a sexual playground. I bet he was a motorboatin’ fool with those massive boobs Jessica Simpson is rocking. I would eat her alive. Enjoy these photos of Jessica Simpson, her boobs and a strange hat and click my links.

Rihanna’s shoes look like something from that Mad Max movie
Michael Phelps wins 8 gold medals, proceeds to steal girlfriends
Definitive proof that all of the Spice Girls are total sluts
Reese Witherspoon is getting really, really fat these days
Everybody and their mother is singing on some Cancer song

Posted in: Daily Eye Candy, VS Bikini Madness

Tags: Bikini, Jessica Simpson

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Jessica Simpson Spices Up A Super Slow Sunday

Posted By: Shawn On: July 13, 2008
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So I finally made it back in West Palm Beach and my Internet is down. I live in one of those communities where you don’t have much of a choice in cable providers. You see, the crooked assholes who run this joint have a deal with a terrible national company called DirecPath. They claim to offer DirecTV for some rather affordable rates and they also claim to have ‘high speed Internet’. The upload speeds clock in at an amazing 30kbps which is about as fast my usb modem was when I was surfing on AOL 1.0 back in 1995. They advertise the download speeds as 5.0 Mbps and the best numbers I could get were closer to 1.0 Mbps. The ‘DirecTV’ service that they offer is not available in my complex and I have to deal with their sad excuse for digital cable. They discontinued this ‘digital cable’ service about a month ago and neglected to tell anyone. They didn’t, however, neglect to keep charging me for this ‘digital cable’ that they no longer provide. The bottom line is, this company sucks and you should thank God that you don’t have to deal with them. Maybe these pictures of Jessica Simpson on her way to the Heart concert will brighten up my day but I don’t it.

Some genius hacked Miley Cyrus’ cellphone and found more dirty pics
Britney Spears is out on the town doing something with Jamie Lynn
Lindsay Lohan’s boobs seem to get bigger every single day
Two babies fell out of Angelina Jolie’s vagina for real this time
Update: Madonna is a slut and her brother wrote a book about it

Posted in: Celebrity Train Wrecks, Daily Eye Candy

Tags: Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo

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Jessica Simpson Shows Her Love For Meat

Posted By: Shawn On: June 14, 2008
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Some sports guy who runs a website called Sports By Brooks linked into my Andy Roddick post below but he said he was disgusted with my headline. Actually, he called it ‘less-than-tasteful’ which I will take as a compliment considering the content we dispense here on Vanity Spy. His headline for essentially the same post read ‘Roddick Bolts from Beijing for Brooklyn (Decker)?’ which I’m not sure was even English. I like to think ‘Brooklyn Decker Is Banging Andy Roddick’ is a much more effective and clickable headline but what do I know? Maybe I should have titled this post ‘Jessica Simpson Bolts LAX For Beef (Hamburgers)?’ but I didn’t think that would work. Anyhow, I won’t send the cretins that visit Vanity Spy over to Sports By Brooks to ruin his day but you can Google it if you’re interested. I’m drinking and in what I would consider a decent mood so I’ll just say ‘cheers’ to Mr. Brooks and move on. Enjoy these photos of a top heavy (too much, Brooks?) Jessica Simpson at LAX in Los Angeles yesterday.

‘No Country For Old Men’ will probably never stop winning awards
Big Brother UK is basically a 24 hour orgy broadcast on live television
Some real, bona fide Princess got naked and in trouble at her College
Paula Abdul is single if you’re looking for a crazy piece of ass
More Big Brother UK Fun: Let’s start electrocuting people!

Posted in: Daily Eye Candy

Tags: Jessica Simpson, Top Heavy

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Jessica Simpson Looks Like A Complete Lunatic

Posted By: Shawn On: June 11, 2008
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While Ashlee Simpson is doing well and preparing for her first child, the other Simpson bitch is failing miserably at life in general. She was snapped wandering outside her New York City hotel last night and she has that crazy look in her eyes. I’ve seen that look before. Years ago, I was sleeping on my friends couch and his live-in girlfriend disappeared. She didn’t show up for days, wouldn’t answer the phone and even her parents couldn’t find her. He was so worried that he filed a police report and made it clear that he thought she was either dead or kidnapped. I didn’t buy the story for a second because she was way too fat to get kidnapped and I didn’t think anyone would kill her. So, like five days later, I’m watching the Smurfs and nursing a killer hangover and this bitch walks in the door like nothing happened. She sits down next to me on the couch and I look at her face and vomit all over the just-steam cleaned floor. Seriously, I threw up everywhere. She had been strung out on crystal meth the whole time and her face looked like it served as the ring for some kind of UFC battle for cats. She was skinny as a rail and she smelled terrible. My friend ended up marrying this chick a few years later. Jessica Simpson looks exactly like her in these photos.