Lauren Conrad Was Nice And Wasted Last Night

Posted By: Shawn On: July 4, 2008
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Last night was an adventure. I was hanging out with this girl I know and she locked her keys in her car. Not only were her lights on, which eventually ran down her battery, but her house key was locked in there as well so she couldn’t get the spare key that she hides in her kitchen. She was helpless until I informed her that I was both a genius and former criminal and I could most certainly solve her quandary. Her apartment is in the middle of the city and it happens to be on a very high second floor so it wasn’t like we could pick her lock or anything. You have to have a key to even get into the building to get to her door so we were screwed there. We were at the radio station so there were some really big conversion vans available so I found a gigantic ladder and tossed it in the back of one. We drove to her apartment building in the city and I took out the giant ladder. I climbed to the very top and then jumped off onto a ledge where I could bust into her window and grab the keys from the kitchen. Then, I jumped her car and saved the day. I’m pretty much a hero. Lauren Conrad didn’t do anything even close to the super-human stuff I did last night. She got wasted in Hollywood and here are the photos. Oh yeah, Happy Fourth of July, bitches

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Kim Kardashian’s monster ass looks downright bizarre in Hollywood
Shauna Sand takes to the streets once again with her cigarettes
Good News: Christina Applegate is single. Bad News: Her boyfriend is dead.

Posted in: Daily Eye Candy, I See Your Goods, Meet The V-Listers

Tags: Drunk, Hills, Lauren Conrad

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Tara Reid And Her Giant Friend Are Hammered

Posted By: Shawn On: July 2, 2008
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Everybody on the planet is having a birthday today except for me. I’m kind of thankful for that because I don’t want to be any older than I am. I would like to ignore birthdays from this point on and stay this age for a long time. Lindsay Lohan is 22, Ashley Tisdale is 23, and Michelle Branch is 25 today. And those are just the female celebrities who were born today. I think Lindsay Lohan is the more famous of the bunch so let’s read her horoscope. She’s a Cancer and today’s horoscope for Lohan is as follows: ‘Today is all about new beginnings for you and your family — and your positive energy should help reassure anyone who is concerned about where it’s all going. Take a step and see what happens!’ Weird. It almost makes sense with the stories coming out about her possibly having another illegitimate sister. She should take a step into my bedroom and see what happens. On second thought, I don’t want anything to do with her herpes. Enjoy these photos of a completely unrelated and completely hammered Tara Reid and her giant friend partying it up last night in Hollywood.

Amy Winehouse stores her prized crackpipe in a very interesting place
The 10 funniest moments in midget history made me laugh a bit
Marla Maples looks super patriotic in a slutty way in this bikini
Nothing makes me happier than when paparazzo get attacked
No one likes Mike and Juliet and that ‘no one’ includes me

Posted in: Celebrity Train Wrecks, Meet The V-Listers

Tags: Drunk, tara reid

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Christina Aguilera Dances Like A Whore

Posted By: Shawn On: June 3, 2008
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Christina Aguilera has a 4-month-old baby at home but you’d never know that if you were partying with her. In the past few weeks I think that I’ve spent more time with her than that poor kid. Maybe she thinks that her baby Max served his purpose when she got more than $1.5 million for his baby photos. Actually, if I was her I’d stop working, keep having kids, sell their photos and drink like a lush until the sun comes up! Being a slut must be awesome. She came real close to giving us another crotch shot. My apologies for the low-quality candids and her ugly ferret-like husband who keeps blocking the shot.