Posted By: Shawn On: October 1, 2008
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I did it. Last night, I went to the bar and ordered a glass of Captain. No Coke. I have officially graduated beyond drinking Captain and Coke and I am now simply drinking Captain. However, today I seem to have some amazingly terrible heartburn and I’m thinking this isn’t a very good idea. Actually, I’m thinking about scaling back to just beer or something. I must be destroying my body at a pretty rapid pace these days and I need to pull back on the reigns a bit. Focusing more on women and less on vomiting on them might be a good idea. Yeah, totally threw up on a chick last night. I’ll give you the embarrassing details after lunch. That way we can all enjoy our Wednesday a little more. To make it even better, check out these photos of Jennifer Aniston in a bikini and click my links.

Those bitches from The Hills are at it again with less clothes
My God. These bitches are on FIRE. So hot.
Eminem is no longer fat and he’s coming out with a new album
Jesse Jane is one of my personal favorites…
Something terrible happened to Jennifer lopez’s face. Someone help her.

Posted in: Daily Eye Candy, VS Bikini Madness

Tags: Bikini, Jennifer Aniston

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Posted By: Shawn On: September 30, 2008
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I would have sex with them both right now.

Whoa! Someone went a little overboard on the botox!
It seems like everyone goes to the beach except for me
No, THIS is the worst job ever. Yours is just dandy.
Wow! Pornos are getting pretty techy these days.
Let’s face it, we’d all bang the hell out of Sienna Miller

Posted in: Meet The V-Listers, VS Bikini Madness

Tags: Audrina Patridge, Bikini

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Posted By: Shawn On: September 30, 2008
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Wait, is Samatha Ronson actually hot? Weird.

More lesbian hotties on the beach are always good, right?
Hayden is definitely hotter than that chick you’re banging
Oh damn! DJ AM is all burnt up in these brand new photos
I would pay a million dollars to sleep with these hot sisters
So hot. So hot. So hot. So hot. So hot.

Posted in: Daily Eye Candy, VS Bikini Madness

Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson

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Posted By: Shawn On: September 29, 2008
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That chick Meg was going to help me again today as I try to stay alive and post here on Vanity Spy at the same time. She wasn’t able to help because she got all famous after writing for my site. I don’t get it. I deliver like a freaking champion every day and I get nothing and she writes a couple posts for you freaks and she gets to be the Official Hills blogger for MTV or something. At some point, you bastards or going to have to vote for her. You don’t have to watch the show or anything, just vote. Then, when she wins the contest and gets to go to Hollywood (it’s between her and one other chick) I will get wasted and tag along. I can get some sweet upskirt shots of The Hills cast before I get wasted at the open bar and the bouncers kick me out for grabbing Lauren Conrad’s sweet, sweet ass. Enjoy these completely unrelated pictures of Jennifer Aniston in a green bikini while I wonder why I can’t get a God damn break.

Hey! Kendra Wilkinson wants attention! Here are her boobs!
Sarah Palin is looking pretty sexy in this swimsuit video
Jessica Simpson will be the demise of Tony Romo and the Cowboys
This chick is hot. I have said enough.
Travis ‘plane crash’ Barker is out of the hospital now

Posted in: Daily Eye Candy, VS Bikini Madness

Tags: Bikini, Jennifer Aniston

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Posted By: Shawn On: September 16, 2008
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I’m rocking a pretty scruffy beard right now. I think I’m to the point where it’s more homeless-sheik than rugged and people are starting to point. I’m not as bad as Peter Griffin on that one episode of Family Guy where he gets the rare bird stuck in his beard but it’s getting close. I’m either going to shave today or just rock this sucker until we hit ZZ Top territory. I’m telling you this story because my life is so unpredictable that I can’t seem to keep my face shaved. Thank God I’m not a woman. Megan Fox probably shaves her entire body every other day. You could lick from her toes to her face and you wouldn’t catch a stitch of stubble. I don’t have that dedication so it’s a good thing I’m not a really hot chick. Also, I would touch myself a lot and get naked in public. Cheers to Megan Fox for all of the hard work it takes to look so freaking delicious. Enjoy these photos and a video from her new GQ spread and I’ll rub my hairy face like I’m contemplating something.

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Another day, another sweet peak at Brooke Hogan’s sweet rack
Oh, Nadine, will you ever know what you do to me?
Jesus Christ: Will Someone Please Assassinate Dane Cook Already?
J-Lo’s legendary ass looks pretty amazing in this particular outfit
Marissa Miller will knock your sticky socks off with this shoot

Posted in: Daily Eye Candy, Fashion Statements, VS Bikini Madness, Wait, She's Not Dead?

Tags: Bikini, megan fox

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Posted By: Shawn On: September 9, 2008
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There’s a group of people in my neighborhood who play volleyball all the time. There’s a nice setup by the pool with white sand and a professional net and virtually no one ever uses it — save for these folks. I always make sure I walk my dog, Axle, whenever they are playing because the chicks are so hot. The play in bikinis and they both have huge boobs. Their boyfriends are complete tools who probably have desk jobs at a pharmacy research institute or something else with three words in the titles. The guys are always wearing their shirts and eating stuff while their way-too-hot-for-them ladies stroll around and look sexy. They must have noticed me walking by all the time and looking at them because they asked if I had any interest in ‘playin’ some V-ball’. I can barely make it up the stairs without dying so I passed on the offer but I stayed to talk with the hotties for a bit and drank one of their Molson Ice-type beers. The chicks mocked their boyfriends the entire time and kept joking with me about how they wanted to go back to my place. The guys were just laughing along with everyone. So the desk job douchebags leave for a tick and I ask the girls, ‘hey, you want to check out my apartment’ and the both just laugh at me. ‘All the apartments look the same, jackass. and if you thought we were really going to do you and leave John and Summer (yeah, that’s right, one of the dude’s names was Summer) you’re nuts. So I grabbed Axle and headed home. Now I can never go back to the volleyball court. Check out these photos of Michelle Hunzinker in a bikini.

Anyone down for some more sluttiness from the Hills bitches?
People actually watched that dude host the MTV VMA’s
OMFG: Michael Jackson’s used underwear are up for auction
These are the hottest Lindsay Lohan pictures I’ve seen all day
Jesus, those Fall Out Boy losers get more and more lame every day

Posted in: Daily Eye Candy, VS Bikini Madness

Tags: Bikini, Michelle Hunzinker

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Posted By: Shawn On: September 3, 2008
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I went to the bar last night and this chick who is always the bartender (she’s the best, stiff drinks, tight ass) was staring at me. It was so uncomfortable. She was looking directly at me for what must have been like ten minutes or so. I just kept drinking my Captain and Coke and watching TV. Then, I’m thinking ‘maybe this is it’, ‘maybe this is the night I’m going to bang this chick’. So I look back at her, staring just as hard in her direction. I make one of those ‘I see you looking at me’ looks and I nod my head like I’m in some movie or something. Bingo. Whatever I did, it must have worked because the bartender starts talking to her friends and now they’re all looking at me. No way? Could I possibly take this sexy bartender and a few of her friends back home? My mind was running wild. I’ve been close to a threesome before but the chicks wouldn’t do anything outside of making out with each other. It was kind of a let down. So bartender hottie starts walking towards me. She was doing that sexy ‘hips and ass’ walk and I took another sip of my drink and did that cool head nod again. She comes all the way down to me and grabs a napkin on the way. I’m thinking, ‘obviously she wants to go home and shower after work before our big threesome so she’ll be needing my phone number pronto’. She kind of hesitates when she finally gets up to me so I give her that cool ‘no, it’s OK, let’s do this thing’ look and she keeps truckin’ my way. She looks right into my eyes and goes ‘your nose is bleeding everywhere, it’s like all over your face at this point’. ‘Here, take these napkins, they just redid this bar and if you get blood on it they’ll fire my ass and you’ll be paying the rent’. Then she walked away. Check out these photos of Christina Ricci as I wallow in my shame.

Whoa Mamma!: I can see right up Holly Madison’s skirt in these pics…
Some crazy old cougar took Harry Potter’s virginity and now he is ashamed
I am kind of a little bit excited about 007 for some unknown reason
Some douchebag hack is getting sued over naked photos (not me)
Elton John and Lilly Allen got in a fight and no one really won

Posted in: Daily Eye Candy, VS Bikini Madness

Tags: Bikini, Christina Ricci

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